any given day can be described by one of four words: good, okay, bad, or very, very bad. it can start out good and end horribly. a day can go from bad to worse in a matter of minutes. each day is unpredictable, and there is often little you can do to change its course.
good days are exactly what they sound like: good. free from anxiety or panic attacks, good days are inspiring. it is on these days that I remember why i continue to fight. it is on these days that I remember that I am worth saving. the person i truly am shines on these days. but do not be fooled; good days are still hard. it is exhausting to fight every minute of every day to keep yourself out of the darkness. good days are just days when it’s easier to float.
okay days are wild cards. happy and sad, up and down, left right sideways diagonal. okay days are circumstantial and every minute determines the outcome of the next. on okay days i am overly sensitive to my surroundings. a vague text can lead me to spiral into a fit of anxiety. but a cute picture can leave me beaming for hours. my mood can change in an instant. having an okay day is like treading water for 18 hours; you’re sore and tired and out of breath but your head is above water.
bad days you wake up with. opening your eyes in the morning you know exactly how the day will go. nothing devastating has to happen, you’re just numb. any type of exertion is even more tiring on bad days. the bed screams your name. on my bad days i could stay in bed until 6 pm. nothing seems exciting, or interesting, or entertaining. the only motivation to get up is primitive; pee, eat, drink. time passes quickly and not at all, all at the same time. there is no pain, there is no sadness, there is no joy, there is just nothing. a crippling numbness that turns you into a heartless zombie. you’re underwater, but you don’t care.
very, very bad days are luckily few and far between. but they sneak up on you. you don’t know what kind of day it is until you wind up on the floor sobbing because the weight of existence crushes you. it is on these days that all hope is gone. there is nothing worth saving, the crushing feeling of despair will never leave you, just the act of existing is too much. on a bad day you can feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. there is no reasoning or logic to pull you out from underneath the heft of your pain. you are drowning, and the harder you try to escape the farther down you get pulled.
it’s hard to imagine, i know. even as i’m writing this now, on a good day, i can hardly recognize those feelings.