blessings and disguises.

it took a long time for me to grieve.

i had never really lost anything before. now all of a sudden i lost grip on my identity, my sanity, my relationship, and my future; all gone in an instant.

at first i tried to do what i’m best at; barrel through all of my problems and pretend there’s nothing wrong. and to no one’s surprise, it didn’t work.

i had to mourn the loss of the person i thought i would become. i cried over the desolation of the image of me as a lawyer, over the thousands of dollars i poured into an education that no longer mattered.

i had to mourn the loss of the person i thought i was. cameron barnes was no longer a top student at one of the best universities in the state. i was a college fucking dropout. for years i had forged a path for myself. college, grad school, law firm, retirement. i could see it so clearly – i was so close. and then that girl died. all that was left was a hollow, fractured shell trying to figure out what to do next.

i had to mourn the death of my relationship. my college boyfriend was a saint. with unconditional patience and love he was my lifeline until i made the decision to leave. i had to sacrifice a future together for my future. that was really hard to forgive. for months i blamed myself for the death of a relationship that could’ve lasted decades. but eventually i was able to come to terms with the truth.

leaving gonzaga is what i had to do.

it’s not that the school was the wrong fit, or that i wasn’t ready for the college life. someone, whether it be god or the universe, had decided that i did not belong in spokane.

at first i thought nothing would ever compare to the life i could build myself at gonzaga.

in those moments i felt hopeless.

but i have come to understand that everything happens for a reason, regardless of whether or not you know what that reason is.

if i hadn’t left gonzaga, i would’ve never reconnected with some amazing women i went to high school with. full of drive, compassion, and dedication, these are some of the strongest girls i have ever met. they are the most amazing role models.

if i hadn’t left gonzaga, i would’ve have formed such a rock-solid relationship with my mom. after nursing me back to health for months on end, my mom and i became inseparable.

if i hadn’t left gonzaga, i wouldn’t have met david – a wonderful, kind man that i am lucky to love. with a story so similar to mine it almost feels like what some would call “destiny”.

if i hadn’t left gonzaga, i wouldn’t have realized that my purpose in life is to heal others. by taking classes at a community college i was able to realize that my true calling is to be a nurse.

i am so grateful for the journey i have been on. though there are days when it feels like it will never end, i know that i am becoming the women i am meant to be.

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