i figured i should establish my credibility as a source. in order to do that, there’s a few things you should know about me. so here is the completely unfiltered story of my journey with mental illness.
i was always an anxious kid. it was first noticed by a school counselor when i was 6. but it was never really a problem; my mom was diagnosed with anxiety so she knew how to handle it.
things started to change junior year.
i was diagnosed with severe anxiety. big surprise. i had some intrinsic pressure to be the perfect white suburban high school monster. if you know me personally, you know what i’m talking about.
i planned the assemblies. i was in them. i planned all of the dances. i ran tailgates. i did the morning announcements. i had great grades. teachers adored me. i volunteered. even now i’m rolling my eyes thinking how annoying i was. i could charm myself out of every situation with my reputation and smile alone. i was friends with the classic athletic, rich, smart, nice kids. i looked just like them. i acted just like them. but dear god was i dying on the inside.
i didn’t do those things because i wanted to. i did them to get into college. i did them because people expected me to. senior year i won “most dedicated to Hazen” even though i missed 160 periods.
things got better over the summer and eventually i moved over to spokane to attend gonzaga university.
things were great, and then they weren’t. by late january i was more depressed than i ever could’ve imagined.
in mid february i tried to commit suicide. the boy i was dating at the time (bless his soul) took me to the ER. big mistake.
there something traumatic happened. something i’ll cover in a later post.
by march i knew i needed to leave gonzaga or i would really do it – and this time i wouldn’t fail. so i packed up the few shambles of my life that remained and moved back home.
i was diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD, along with the anxiety panic disorder we already knew i had. again, shocker.
so there i was, a college dropout, incapable of even leaving my bed 5/7 days, forced to completely rebuild my life.
well, here’s how it went.